earthdate 090108: walang katapusan
how bad is the situation? ayun, napasugod pa dito sa house si betty and we drank beer — pero, how pathetic, after a bottle each, bloated na kami at parang acidic na tummy ko!
dyoshkopo, where are the us na nagsasabi before na “ubusin na ang tequila at baka mapanis!”?
hay, i can take the hint — no matter what i do/not do, say/not say — i will not be accepted for who and what i am. also, i realized, for all the goodness of and in kris and despite the fact that he is as busy as hell, as the youngest of the brood, he will never just be simply understood, be proud of, and happy for — without any lecture on how he ’should-have’ done/said things a certain way (theirs — na buti sana if consistent eh).
it is very hurtful and treacherous of anyone to use the things said in confidence to create a bad picture of you to another. moreso, when the said things are not precisely related to to the matter for which the said bad picture is painted.
let us be specific: it is no secret that i come from a broken family and that i grew up with my dad. with certain property disputes and lack of sensitivity, it is just natural that i have some issues with my biological mother — which I speak in detail to people i trust.
now, to use this against me to somewhat illustrate that i am not ‘psychologically fit’ or that i am incapable of ‘fitting’ into their mold because i am filled with ‘issues’ is just plain preposterous!
yes, i know i am not supposed to know these talks behind my back. but, what they seem to fail to consider is that i am part of a team that will soon be a married couple which works as one ever since. moreover, what right do they have to judge me in this manner when the matters i said in confidence were in correlation with the matters they also said in confidence about their own parents?
kris is pleading to keep peace; some of my family are angered by the situation, but prays for my patience and peace of heart; some friends are saying i should not let them affect me as what is important is that kris and i are solid together.
indeed, there is no better way to go about this but to be clear with kris about our future life together, ignore the insults, and somehow learn to even pray for them. but right now, i believe i am entitled to some breathing space and anger because Brutus has proven how truly honorable he is.
* * * * *
I am sooooo tired and hectic lately — not because of our wedding — but trying to make up for the havoc they caused me in my job. kasi naman, instead of consulting me, nakikinig pa sa ibang tao at ang daming absurd reasoning pa ang pinagsasabi to justify their cause to me. (naku, if you just heard half of what has been said, baka my real loyal friends would even kidnap me for October 11). in the end, siempre, hindi naman sila ang mahihirapan nga naman kasi — ako; so, they must have believed they really have nothing to loose.
sige pa, affect all the aspects of my life; destroy me even at my job (a job i got out of my own merits and not through anybody’s help/recommendation/familial relation), kapag napuno ako, matakot kayo kasi hindi pa tapos ang lahat sa labanan ninyo.
pero, as i said before, kawawa si kris eh. tapos, i am no evil nor want to be one because of them. if ever, ako rin kasi ang talo and surely ako rin ang magiging miserable for going against my fundamental option to be good.
with all these, i now can truly emphatize with Darth Vader; buti na lang medyo umuubra pa si Yoda in convincing me to stay away from the Dark Side!
