this has just got to be one of the most horrible days i’ve had this year.
since friday, something sucky for me at work; domino effect and by (bad)luck of the draw, i just couldn’t seem to get what is expected right…most especially today. after much tears and contemplation of jumping ship, i am now a puffy-eyed-still-lost-gal! one thing is for sure, i am not as happy anymore with this part of my job as i used to be. i really don’t wanna get up in the morning for it. that and these recent circumstances, hay, maybe it’s time to explore options…
add pa that my officemate who was transferred sabay with me finally got her papers and initial salary cleared this morning; while mine, hmmm, i don’t see the end in the horizon! according to the cashier a while ago, they are still computing my accounts and that i should follow up the next few days again. top it all, since my said officemate is already occupying my position, i’ve stopped receiving salary therefrom. gasp! again, i still can’t believe my transfer is taking this long. it’s been more than two months already. hahay!
then, tita grace confirmed that lola saling has cancer (kumalat na nga eh — brain, lungs, and liver). frankly, i am stoic about it — i don’t know what to feel with the fact that we’re confronting another battle with the big C and I am at a loss whether I want continuous-but-taxing medical treatments for lola or go all natural-but-be-helpless na lang. on the other hand, i know i am conciously not allowing myself to dive into emotions or think what is ahead. naturally, Proj.2 people are emotional already about the whole thing; and me being me in the family, some relatives say i gotta be strong for them.
since lola started feeling sick, my guts told me her condition is serious and terminal. contrary to common reaction, i decided to steer clear of proj. 2. i dunno, my weird logic tells me that to visit her is to ‘acknowledge’ she is really very ill. i think i am already coming off to my relatives as someone who doesn’t care. be that as it may, it’s just weird for me inside to do the ‘acknowledging’ and i don’t want to conciously ‘accept’ that i am smelling death again.
with the recent development, i resolve to try the ‘acceptance’ route na lang. yes, lola is the pillar of the family; our mother teresa as my dad fondly called her; my secret favorite over my own grandmother. but she is also 78 years old already. she led a full life. i wish for her a good exit. thus, i want to take part in making so good indeed. so, bite the tongue; keep tears in check; gulp down the choking feeling in the throat; and give lola the best.
oh, to those who know her, please keep mum…lola doesn’t know yet the results of her biopsy. but please do pray for her and the project 2 people. and maybe pakisama na rin some enlightenment for me with my work. thanks to those who shall heed.