It has been two weeks since the good news.  Now that the primary ‘shock’ has worn off, lemme me do some reflections J.

• Yes, I am happy I finally passed; but examining myself deeper, I think/feel I am more relieved than happy.  At least, I won’t have to leave this country.  I was seriously considering working abroad na lang if I still didn’t make it — to start a new life where no one knows my failures and where I can get odd jobs without being looked down upon.  At least, I can start planning my life and career path again.  At least, I can now face my peers and elders with a revitalized self-esteem.  At least, I can go back to my alma mater without the feeling that I disappointed the institution that molded my legal mind.

• Arrogant as it may seem, but I am proud to say that I am proud of myselfJ.  I take pride in actually pushing through my third attempt.  You all know from my blogs how difficult it had been for me; yet in the end, I still didn’t give up.  Looking at what happened in another angle, yes I failed the bar twice prior; but I did something none of my law friends would ever experience — persisting three times to pass.  For me, ibang klaseng accomplishment and strength of character din ‘yun J. 

• For three years, paulit-ulit na dasal ang “please let me pass the bar, please let me pass the bar.”  Thank goodness, na-revise na rin ang litany na ito J.

• Speaking of praying, yes, I said my thanksgiving prayers immediately to God after I learned I passed; but my passing does not automatically convert me as an ultra religious person.  Believe me, I am very grateful I was granted this gift I’ve long been praying for.  However, I am still not yet done asking my “whys.” I was told before that kaya siguro ako hindi pumasa kasi I haven’t learned the learning/teaching I was to know kaya I had to redo the bar all over again, and again.  I was also told before that God has a reason for allowing said failures to happen.  So, does this mean I’ve learned what I had to learn and I figured out God’s reason for my failures?  I am wracking my brain and heart for the answers.  Maybe I learned and I figured them na nga, but I feel I’m still unconscious of what they really are.  I want to consciously discover so I may never forget; so that can avoid possible repetition of failure-episodes, if possible. I’m positive though, all will be revealed and make sense in my consciousness, in time. Pero, pwede rin, as my spiritual adviser observed before, I am again over analyzing God and my faith.  So, in the mean time, patuloy pa rin ang pagninilay or maybe simply bask in this happy feeling din muna at mabulaga na lang ako and shout eureka!
• As I’ve mentioned before, I hope my experience would serve as an encouragement for three-peaters.  With what has happened, people who know me now has an example of someone they can specifically cite who went through the bar three times to persuade other people with — hindi na lang yung ‘kapatid-ng-kaibigan-ng-batchmate-ko’ kind of connection storyJ. 

• In connection with the immediately preceding bullet point, sorry, medyo useless din ako to ask how I did it the third time.  Honestly, I can’t think of any spectacular method I did nor do I actually remember much about September 2006! 

  Para

  kasing sobrang traumatic those times that my mind seemed to have chosen to set aside my thoughts then.  What I can recall lang are: I read new books (kasi new editions came out na nga of those I got from law school days), I got new reviewers from Attys. Pixie, Abel, Atty. Erick, and ateneo barops 2006 (to start with clean sheets kasi over na sa pag-highlight ang almost yellowish notes ko from school, bar 2004, and bar 2005); I had a lot of help and support from friends; I studied in the office and at home; friends and family campaigned me to God…better and more often than I actually did (kasi nga I was still actively ‘fighting’ God); I still watched TV and slept normally.  Come to think of it, feeling ko nga I did better talaga during 2004 and 2005 bar exams eh.  Weird talaga, nung mas feeling unconfident ako, dun pa pumasa! Kris thinks I’ve less analyzed the exams na siguro and thus gave simple answers that did the trick. 

• Within the past two weeks, it seemed a great cloud above my head has been lifted. In a way, it has become easier for me to accept petty problems and some upcoming financial obstacles.  I believe I’m easing aside the bulk of my bitterness and gone back to hoping kasi.

• Yehey, I can take up an auto-mechanic course for real.  I was imagining, if I failed, people might think I’m such a loser and say, “ay naging mekaniko na lang siya kasi hindi makapasa ng bar.”  Now, the quip may be, “uy ok, mekanikong abogado.”  Yeah, yeah, my imagination running wild with trivial concerns J.

• I’m still ill at ease being addressed as “a-tur-ni.”  Before, my instant reply was “

  sana

  .”  Now, it’s “hindi pa, sa May 2 pa. J.” As I’ve mentioned, despite the upcoming prefix, I’m still the same Ria.  I’d rather be called and be known as still Ria ‘coz I didn’t change, ang dami pang expectation ng mga tao kapag “a-tur-ni” ka, and I don’t want to run the risk of having a swollen head because of such title.

• I am sooooo touched with the outpouring greetings via sms, calls, emails from relatives and friends.  Ang touching pa, some sounded even more thrilled than I was (special mention si Gelo J).  Some parents naman of my friends even cried with joy when they spoke with me. People I didn’t expect to greet sent their felicitations.  Tito Dick called and sent a very touching SMS; ditto with CA Justice de Leon; happy rin my Justice, CYS; ang kukulit din sa tuwa nga guard friends ko sa office J.

• Small sparks of joy: 
  • Seeing my name spelled on a big banner outside our office (it’s a tradition here to announce to the world who passed the bar per office).  Hahaha J, everyday, I surreptitiously look at the said banner and feel swollen with pride. 

  • I can finally finish my bar-momento clearbook with a happy page.  Imagine, I already got three newspapers with the list of bar takers (2004-2006); ain’t it happy na may newspaper na listing the bar passers naman with my name amongst them J?