Let me just get some things out of my system before I dive into my voluminous rollo.

A repeated chapter of my life has just ended, and the consequent chapter (parang mala-Choose Your Own Adventure Book) of waiting for results begins.  As I’ve said, at least, I won’t be stressed too much about the long wait ‘coz work and errands would leave no room for that.  Besides, I cannot do anything about my booklets anymore.  They are now in the mercy of God and the examiner. 

Speaking about God.  I still honestly do not know why He allowed my past failures.  I still haven’t identified the lesson I should have learned from the sad experiences.  One thing I’ve noticed though is I’m not as bitter about the past.  I’m also no longer greatly embarrassed with how I did.  In fact, I openly joke about my failures as “bisyo” already and one for the history.  I actually even see that said failures can be sources of hope — that in the wheel of life, pains will soon pass (imagine, I’ve been dreading the four Sundays of September 2006 but they are now all in the past); that in times of sorrows, there are some friends and strangers who would be angels in my life; that in the event I finally pass come April 2007, I’d truly be a testament of God’s mercy and human resilience; that by not giving up, I’ve seen how much I can be stronger than how I thought I already was; and that there is no point in telling God that I’ve already had my great share of burdens to incur more ‘coz these things are unquantifiable anyway — how we face the burdens makes us who we are and not the number of experiences we can tally in our life’s imaginary score card.  With me pursuing the bar again, I am content with how I am — that I did not give in to defeat and useless misery.  That portion in the Ateneo bar prayer is true:  "we do not ask this (help while taking the exams) by our own merits. we cannot point to our faithful service in the past as deserving this special help."  In the end, it’s not the score that matters, but how we’ve dealt with the challenges. 

Is this acceptance already?  I cannot say I am entirely sure ‘coz on the one hand, my outlook can just mean I’ve become tired of carrying my past grudges; on the other hand, it can just mean I’ve already deluded myself with my philosophical exercises. Besides, despite seeing some theological aspects in my current situation, I still propound my “whys” to God and I still veer away from religious practices I’ve patronized before.  So, I am not really certain.

One negative thing that still gets me though is looking where my batchmates are now.  Yes, it’s not healthy to compare and spin webs of jealousy; but it’s tough not to when I hear about them slowly fulfilling their dreams or becoming this or that already while I haven’t even taken off from our square one. 

But yeah, there is no point to wallow in these thoughts.   Anyway, at least I’m not doing entirely bad considering my set backs.  I am earning for my needs (and occasional wants) and enjoying so at a very reputable institution at that (for almost a year now — wow, how time indeed flies).  Life is still good.  And I am still hopeful it can get better.  Heck, we’ve just recently seen that one second can do a world of wonders.

Hence for now, I’d just keep on hoping for mercy and a miracle.