• Some simple joys:

1.      Has anyone noticed that flowers are abloom these days?  They can be found everywhere, even on sidewalk cracks and anywhere they can thrive.  So pretty! Makes the saying ‘stop and smell the roses’ easy ‘coz we can actually do so and reflect on the beauty of life around.

2.      Words of comfort are continuously pouring in.  I am so touched with the concern of everyone — they be close friends or not.

3.      Betty will kidnap me to Bicol this holy week to fulfill my dream of seeing the majestic Mayon Volcano. 

4.      Kris and I watched RENT this week (the movie version of one of my favorite stage productions).  I super loved it, did not disappoint me at all.  In fact, I sometimes wanted to stand up and applaud after a great rendition of a scene (nakakahiya nga lang especially since a lot of those in the cinema with us did not seem to care much as their mobile phones incessantly beep/ring).  The songs/sung-conversations were all there.  The only missing parts were some of the phone calls that were used for connective purposes/scene changes in the stage production — so totally understandable as change of scenes can easily be done on film.  Then, there were visualizations of some of the songs where theater goers just had to use their imagination (nice touch and makes people understand the story better).  What I liked most was the fact that the camera now chooses the important aspects where viewers should focus.  RENT involves a lot of characters and there are many scenes where they all sing at the same time; thus, watching in theaters can be confusing as where to divert one’s attention (and consequently end up missing some vital points/movements of other characters).  With the way I’m gushing over the film, yes, I give it 5 stars! Go watch! [Sidenotes: speaking of movies, “Ice Age II” wasn’t that great.  It was funny, but there just wasn’t any story.  On the other hand, the Filipino film by GMA 7 was just so-so.  It was a bit of an imitation of the good Korean film, “Il Mare,” but failed to develop a vital aspect of the story --- the love relationship of the characters of Mr. Dantes and Ms. Karylle. Heck, the film even gave more direction to the love relationship of the overacting actress, Ms. Oli.  Sayang, the movie could have been great as the story was very promising.]

• Traffic along the Service Road going to Sales Bridge is a breeze now that students are in their summer holidays; however, South Super Highway going to Magallanes Interchange is slow moving everyday.  I wonder where the added volume came from?  Then, a big portion of the Merville Access Road is currently under repair.  Only one lane is passable.  Yes, it’s great that the construction is actually fast; but the thing is, the same portion was repaired last year.  They asphalted the road then, now they are cementing the same.  The latter is indeed more permanent and durable; but why waste money on the asphalt last year?  Sana they just immediately cemented the road then.  I wonder who got a great kickback?!
• April is the time for renewal of Kris’ village-stickers.  As I looked at Wudju’s windshield, I can’t believe the accumulation of stickers I already have — just for this year! To go home, I need our own village sticker.  Then to go to our village, I need to pass another village that requires a different sticker; my alternative route is another village, which requires me to have their own sticker.  So that’s three already, just to go home.  Then there’s Kris’ village sticker nga.  Plus, I have office gate pass to park at the compound (which I have never done yet due to it always being full after 715am).  Dang, so many stickers and so costly!  The thing right now is, a friend of mine told me that she has this sticker for a certain village/club stuck on her windshield that someone took.  She just discovered that it’s gone when the guard from the village/club barred her vehicle from entering as she does not have a sticker.  She argued with the guard and pointed where the sticker used to be.  Lo and behold, upon looking at the said spot, there were just some sticker booger (adhesive remnants to you) there.  Dang, even these things get stolen already?  Money on these stickers down the drain. Plus, security scary thought: the thief can enter the village/club using the stolen sticker (to think there are many reported cases of fake village stickers already).  Tough!

It’s been a week already.  A week of self-doubt, anger with God, shame/embarrassment, shock, tears, simple joys, visits/texts/emails/calls from relatives and friends, comfort, and confronting this 2x-failure head on.  Had been a hell of a rollercoaster ride — to think, I hate riding one. 

The days had been tough.  I just can’t stop crying that my eyes became soooo puffy.  I hated God so much that I wailed curses at Him. Sleeping was difficult because my mind does not want to stop screaming and I know I will still wake up to a nightmare.  Then, I had to immediately set aside my shame to face my officemates and my boss last Monday. 

But even those now belong in the past, just as where March 30, 2006 is.  Fortunately (or unfortunately), hindi naman ako namatay nor did create scenes that will further humiliate me.  Really, just one day at a time; or even just one hour or minute at a time.

Some thoughts… Yes, they may be illogical and may be against religious doctrines; but they are my current survival reflections, so let them be.  Anyway, I write not to please anybody nor be judged/condemned; I write not to solicit anyone’s pity nor be praised; I write not in the hopes of being read/heard nor to justify my actions to my possible readers.  I write to quiet my mind and just jot down what’s happening in Berby’s World.

1.        Relatives and friends say I am strong, brave, and got nothing to be ashamed of.  But, I am not strong — this failure is just soooo painful and difficult for me.  I am scared about my future, both immediate and long term.  And I really feel so humiliated with my second failure.

2.        I want to talk to a psychiatrist and a manghuhula. The former is to assure me that I am still ‘normal’ (and have no permanent psychological damage).  The latter is for my ‘immediate gratification’ (for lack of better term) about my future.  Praying and being answered is arbitrary and may take a long time.  Friends who heard me requesting the services of the two berated me for my absurdity.  Ok, let me clarify: I am a skeptic person that I know I would not thoroughly believe any fortune teller anyway nor would I pattern my life to whatever they will tell me.  I just want to hear someone else talk about what’s to come.  Gusto ko lang may malaman and konting assurance.  If my want to consult a psychiatrist and a manghuhula disappoints others, SO BE IT (haynaku, with the sky high consulting fees of the two, I surely doubt I’d proceed.  Sa panahon ngayon, sayang lang ang pera ko).

3.        I am mad at the Catholics’ God.  I don’t want to trust Him anymore.  Some friends and relatives have stated their disappointment in these sentiments of mine — saying that God will reveal His plans for me in time et cetera.  Again, SO BE IT.  To which some counter that they are disappointed with my hardened heart.  Well, what can I say?  I won’t lie to suit what people want to hear from me.  I feel so hurt and abandoned, successively at that; thus I can’t help what and how I am right now. 

4.        In connection with #3, I know naman that sometime in the future, I’d be OK with God somehow eh.  I know, innately that my soul (like any other human beings’) has a natural tendency to cling to God.  I cannot explain, but I just know and believe.  Therefore, I don’t really care much about the religious ‘pangaral’ I hear left and right now because I know the God I knew even allows me to be mad at Him (yes, I firmly believe this); so why would others tell me to be otherwise? 

5.        It’s so touching that people reach out to comfort me.  Some even shared their own painful experiences, thereby reliving the horrid moments, just to empathize with me.  Others told me encouraging and loving words that I thought: WOW, I’M LUCKY TO HEAR THESE WORDS THAT ARE USUALLY SAID DURING EULOGIES WHILE I AM STILL ALIVE!  Morbid and weird reflection, but so true!

6.        Last Sunday, I woke up feeling calm and light-hearted.  I don’t know why but my immediate thought was, someone is fervently praying for me to wake up like so.  Whatever, I am happy for that grace that day.

7.        Kris is so selfless and such a wonderful blessing in my life.  ‘nuf said.

8.        Dang, I kinda jokingly berated myself for being too friendly — so many people to ‘face’ tuloy!  Heck, even the guards and maintenance people where I work were anticipating my name in the successful barristers last Thursday!  What more pa kaya my friends, batchmates, relatives, parents of my friends, and friends of my friends I’ve been acquainted with?! 

9.        Some say, I should really consider re-taking again this year: while my legal knowledge is still fresh in my mind, while Justice Gutierrez is the bar examiner, while we still haven’t changed our form of government to Parliamentary, and while Congress is not yet done amending the Labor Code.

10.    Many are also telling me not to be discouraged and try again.  Personally, I am tired.  I am scared.  I am definitely not confident right now with my intellectual capability.  Then, there are so many things to consider: my self-esteem, my age, and finances.  Happy that my boss said I am still welcome to keep my job — what a relief especially since I gotta support myself.  But, in staying for finances, how to study if I’d re-take again?  I bet my dad is now shouting: God will provide.  Will He really?  A part of me even wants to just work abroad and be away from this madness.  But, giving up and running away will just make me a bigger loser.  Loser and failure na nga now eh; palalalain ko pa!  Tapos, sayang naman lahat ng investment ko and my dad for me to be a lawyer. Pero, can I still do this ba?! Should I really take again for the third time?