congratulations to all who made the september 2005 bar exams — especially, KRIS!!!

if only i am stupid enough or i’m coward enough to end it all for me.  one thing i know, i am dumb enough not to make it again.  either that of i am extemely unlucky.  twice over makes me believe the former already. 

how to face the world?  how to pick up my dignity?  how to overcome my trauma?  how to face people…especially since all of my friends are now lawyers? what will happen to my job in the xxxxxxx xxxxx?  how about my future? 

i question god why do i have to go through all these painful situations.  i don’t know if i can still trust him for anything.  the things i prayed for the hardest, the things he did not allow.  i prayed for papa’s life, i prayed to pass the september 2004 bar exams, i prayed for my september 2005 exams.  all are in vain. 
   
actually, for my re-take, i did not even pray for me to have the prestige of being a lawyer.  in fact i promised not to even use the prefix "atty." nor introduced myself as such.  i just wanted to redeem myself for failing before. i just wanted to pass so i can continue working and maybe have a corresponding small increase in salary to support myself and help others.
   
but now, how do i even redeem myself from a deeper shame of failing twice?  how can i even find a decent legal job with this backround (applying in lawfirms before was tough.  they questioned my intellectual capability etc.)?
   
i was thinking, i wished i’ve been kicked out of lawschool early on, like during my first semester; thus i would have not wasted years of studying law and just come to this.  why did i have to graduate from law, on time despite the crisis in our family then (i strived to finish on time so papa could see me graduate but he just died 8 months prior), from a top university in this country…then not become a lawyer after?  isn’t it a cruel joke to make me believe of my legal capabilities (and have a diploma proving so) then not pass the bar..twice?!

i am such a disappointment. if only i am stupid enough or i’m coward enough to end it all for me right now. i don’t know how to go on.  i don’t have the strength nor the courage to go on. what a failure!

This is it!  Today is the day of either my redemption or my further earthly condemnation.  Either way, I really feel the pressure.  I know there are so many people looking out for my name — in hope (pumasa na sana siya) or due to intrigue (pumasa na kaya siya?).  Well, whatever the outcome, I want to take this opportunity to say:   

Sa lahat ng mga nagdasal/nagdadasal; sa lahat ng mga sumuporta/sumusuporta; sa lahat ng pag-aalala, pagtulak, nagpapalakas ng loob ko…MARAMING SALAMAT. Sana sa susunod na pagsulat ko rito ay masayang balita na ang mai-a-anunsyo ko sa inyo.

• Despite my antacids, I can still feel pain with the sloshing acid around my stomach lining!  Yesterday morning, people were texting lalabas na raw yung results in the afternoon and 18-27% passing rate daw.  Then this morning, people were saying later this afternoon na raw.  As of writing this blog, there is yet no special agenda for the justices regarding bar matters.  However, the security people were already preparing the Supreme Court courtyard and are in full belief that the results will come out tomorrow already. Hindi ko na kaya! Heck, on my way home last night, I just broke down and started crying.  I feel so nervous talaga.

• Yesterday, I attended a legal symposium.  Super ‘dyahe’ ‘coz sa attendance sheet, activity sheets, and sa name tag ko, they printed my name with the prefix “Atty.”!  Siempre, I had to tell them, hindi pa po/sana nga talaga.  Ayun, the organizers will watch out for my name daw tomorrow.  Pressure.  Patawa pa is, they announced that the whole day symposium would be credited for lawyers’ Mandatory Continuing Legal Education (MCLE).  Siempre nasayang lang yung credits na yun sa akin as (if ever pumasa man ako) hindi sila retroactive.  Sigh*

• Naku, I sobrang need to lose weight in a month!  I have to attend a function kaya I need to be thin!  Pressure uli!

• Dang, the summer heat is getting nasty! Monday was so much worst.

• While in Cebu and Bohol, my Tagalog and Ilocano were useless.  The people there were very true to their respective dialects.  I even got a nasty look from the vendor of a sari-sari store when I tried to buy something and asked in Tagalog.  Then, in Bohol, one kid did not understand me until I switched to the English language.  Sabagay, according to 2005 Almanac, there are more Cebuano speaking people daw than Tagalog speakers.  Kagulat; or talagang ignoramus lang ako sa labas ng Luzon.

• Gosh, the week the results of the bar would come out na.  I’m soooo friggin’ scared!  Been having acidity attacks the past days (despite Nexium, Novaluzid, Kremil-S chewables, Tums tablets — yes, addict na ako).  So hard to stay focused on my work assignment (except those that are needed ASAP, siempre).  So tired of nightmares already.  Heck, even my saltine water rinse (to neutralize my negative aura) and my Bukas Palad albums do not seem to work right now!   Katakot pa kasi, yung Taoist temple sa Cebu wasn’t promising when I ‘consulted’ about my bar results.  Yes, continuous prayers…hoping for the best…but also preparing for the worst.  The latter, people say, might attract negativity.  Pero I think it’s better that way eh.  Last year, I had the most positive outlook sa bar — “one time lang ‘to!”  But then, of all of my friends to whom I said such encouraging words, I was the only one who did not make it.  Tapos, 2004 was easy and I felt I passed; while 2005 was way more difficult and I am not confident about my exam booklets at all.  In a way, I just don’t wanna know anymore nga eh.  I am happy where I am right now.  Just working and being a bit sanay living the 1x failure stigma — if I fail again, how the hell can I outlive or move on from a 2x failure stigma? Nakakaiyak and nakakatakot isipin; ngunit maaaring mangyari…
• We celebrated my niece’s birthday yesterday.  It was such a hot day that she and her cousin were happy to have been allowed to play by the ground fountain at GB3.  At first, they were just wetting their hands.  Then, they removed their sandals and let their feet touch the water.  Soon after, they rolled their pants up and stomped around the whole fountain area.  Yup, both kids went home with very wet clothes and very big smiles on their faces.  Priceless!
• Gosh, all of my relatives yesterday were complaining of uric acid lumps by their wrists/arms! Dang, it’s really in the hereditary line of my paternal grandmother side!  But still, I’m the youngest who became problematic with so. And I am just half their ages!  The future of my health really looks bleak!
• I’ve seen the Kotex commercial of Dennis Trillo several times already and every time I do, I can’t help but be amused at the whole thing and laugh at the portion where Mr. Trillo was singing along a videoke, alone, and with so much pain on his face.  Funny and pinag-isipan talaga yung concept ng commercial.  Props to Kotex! (Disclaimer: I am not in anyway endorsing this brand…heck, I don’t even use this naps).
• Oh, I almost forgot to report:  the white vinegar and baking soda mixture really works in ‘removing’ the smell of pet urine.  What’s best is, the mixture discouraged Polo in committing his urinating-offenses.  Since I poured said mixture by our gate, Polo stopped peeing there every night!  Ang happy!

• Dang, I’m getting sooo old!  6 years ago I graduated from university; my first niece was born; and we got wudju!
• I’m so happy with the satelite vehicle registration of LTO (?) at the gas station near our village (I saw it last year; but it is just this year that i actually tried their services).  I can’t believe it, In just 10 minutes, I was done with smoke emission testing, stenciling, and paying!  By next week, they promised to deliver the new O.R. and the 2006 sticker. The Php200 handling fee is worth it considering I won’t have to waste my time finding a smoke emission testing center that is not crowded, test my patience with LTO people/service, and be absent from work to do the whole registration process for wudju!  (Although i am still keeping my fingers crossed until and when i get my new O.R. and 2006 sticker next week…a lot can still happen in Berby’s World, y’know).
• What the heck are these smileys doing at the end of my new blog entry? 

I’m totally freaked out driving this weekend!

1.    On my way home, Saturday night, I was driving behind a van running crazily (medium speed but always going off course).  Then, it hit hard a jeepney that was parked on the side of the service road.  A few pieces of the jeepney flew by — thank goodness none hit me.  But the van continued on.  By then I concluded the driver is drunk.  Unfortunately he went the direction I was going.  By the time I reached the access road leading towards our village, the driver started going just 10kph! I wanted to overtake him but he was cruising the two-way access road in the middle and I kinda hesitated na rin ‘coz he might step on the gas when I am already ahead of him and hit me.  Ayun, I just waited until he made his turn already.  As for the jeepney, wala naman humabol.

2.  On my way to my niece’s birthday lunch in Makati, I encountered an SUV suddenly going slow ahead of me along South Super Highway.  Out of habit, I honked.  Since the SUV didn’t budge, I just swerved the other lane the moment I had my chance.  As I got parallel the said SUV, I saw that those aboard had guns and the windows in front were down!  They were looking behind their trail and then they glanced my way. Super scary! I thought they would follow me, so I stepped on the gas and crazily sped towards EDSA!  Viewing the SUV from the rearview mirror, I saw that it just maintained its slow speed as if still waiting to target somebody — thank goodness it wasn’t me!  Gawd, I was shaking all the way to Makati.

ok, for those who do not believe, i hope this will convince you…

o may lumabas bang bar results kahapon that i did not know of?! (ang daming tao who texted asking/saying that kahapon labas kasi ng bar results eh)

• I don’t like something at work the past two weeks.  I hate to compromise something important to me. But I am just a mere subordinate. I also don’t like MRs.  They just rattle me…especially since I know I’ve killed millions of brain cells over my work prior submission. Hay.

• Headache-y the past two weeks.  Stress related? I dunno, but hell and hassle.

• Gosh, so many chismis that the bar results will come out this week.  Since walang bago news from my sources, I maintain my belief with March 30.

• Quotable from Lainie according to Betty: “I don’t know; I don’t care.  Even the CareBears don’t care!”

·        Had a get-together dinner with my college friends last night.  Great to see Ikay again after 6 years (gosh, it has been that long since we graduated from AdMU — March 25 to be exact). 

·        Ang sad to know another friend had a failed relationship.  Ang dami na talaga since December!  To think we’re talking of years of being together.  Gosh!  Thus, Betty’s advice to me and Kris: hold on!

·        I’m miffed.  The people behind the contest Kris and I joined have relaxed their rules several times that our edge/hardships in completing our application pack are now obliterated to nothingness!  Grrr talaga.  Naku, kung hindi kami ma-preliminary interview man lang…hhmmmph!

·        What a great weekend!!! I’ve gone out of Luzon and ticked off two of my must-visit places in the Philippines. J  To think that was a very, very cheap trip (kami pa!J).  We got promo-rated airplane tickets; stayed at the houses/toured by our close friends; and got promo-rated boat rides (ang swerte lang talaga). So despite some of the expected rains for some hours during the trip, fantabulous everything talaga!

·        Actually, I don’t know which I am most happy about — being on two airplane rides (Manila-Cebu and Cebu-Manila) or visiting most of the tourists spots in Cebu and Bohol . Hahaha! J But, one thing is for sure, I was super happy to have reunited with my lawschool bestfriend whom I have not seen since 2004!

·        Based on our trip, I can say that Cebu is really an over rated tourist destination (sorry to my Cebuano friends!); while Bohol is very much under rated.  The former is like Metro Manila in more ways than one.  The latter is very diverse, clean, and beautiful! 

·        Fantabulous places/experiences we visited/did:

1.    Panglao Beach, Bohol - I would actually rate Panglao Beach as the second best beach I’ve visited in this country (trailing behind Palawan).  Panglao is so much better than Boracay, Puerto Galera, Bataan, Batangas, and Pagudpud/Mairaira!  Cream sand that looks and ‘feels’ like polvoron (not white eh, yet very soft and fine); super clear waters; clean/maintained surroundings; and not that crowded. 

2.    Kawasan Falls in Cebu - I super liked Kawasan Falls ‘coz it was such an adventure to go under the strong falls and swim around the clear waters.  Misadventure nga lang that nadulas ako and accidentally pushed Kris off the balsa (thank goodness for lifesavers)!

3.    Chocolate Hills of Bohol – Great sight!  Ang dami pala nung Hills J

4.    Loboc River Cruise in Bohol – Parang Wild River Cruise ng Disneyland, CA, only natural river and walang mga mechanical animals/people. So great to ride aboard a boat-balsa while eating non-stop (eat-all-you can native buffet).  All natural, ang linis, and lush greeneries!  We got to see pa that stupid unfinished bridge Atty. Quimbo talked about in Transportation Law class — the almost complete bridge across the Loboc River that would ram straight onto an old church (ang labo that near finishing lang nila na-realize na “oops, we can’t go any further because a very old church is blocking the path”).

5.    See the Tarsiers in Cebu – They’re so small and cute; but icky that rat-like ang tails nila. They are like smaller versions of Australia’s koala bears with big eyes (same branch-hugging, tamad-moving creatures).

·        Amazing, we’ve had little time to go to all our ‘target areas’ that we’ve been to all the tourist spots of Bohol in just 8 hours!  Record setting tour! Our target areas include all of the spots shown in the Tagalog flick Close to You — ahahahaha, binuking ang tripping! 

·        Next stop: Bicol or Davao!  In the meantime, save and live like a pauper again to afford another trip in the near future.