i totally miss my dad in these times of challenges in my life.  his actual telling me, "just do your best," is such a comfort knowing he’s behind my back no matter what.

it’s been two years already since he died; yet, the pain of losing papa remains.

i believe i’ve be-numb myself enough to get by, but deep inside, there is still the unbelievable pain.  yes, outwardly, i think i still project my old self. the ria who is always smiling, laughing, ditzy, weird luck (kris imposes i have no ‘monopoly’ over "bad luck," thus i say "weird luck"), on-the-go (the week we buried papa, i had an test in successions!  then mid-terms, then the delayed thesis, then the finals, then the graduation, then the bar 2004, job hunt alongside house hunt, house transfer (!), and now the bar 2005). but inwardly, i feel hallow, bitter, and mad. i cry and cry alone.  i want to talk it out and unburden my chest/soul, but most just give crap explanation, hurried ‘comfort’ or even immediate reprimand.  thus, i believe it is better to go on without saying anything anymore (except to you lains.  darn it we’re so many miles apart that we can’t cry together immediately or cheaply do so even by phone!). 

if only there is more compassion and empathy (not sympathy!) in this world…’coz i don’t want to hear or experience these anymore:

1. "he’s at peace now in heaven. atleast he is no longer suffering."

2. hug/pat sa shoulder…but look at the time. (law students value time so much due to recitations, the bar…)

3. ok ka lang? ok lang yan!

4. inuman/gimmick na lang tayo, gusto mo?

5. uy, dapat tapos na pag-grieve mo.  you’re not suppose to allow yourself until this time!

6. maybe it’s really the time of your dad kasi pina-extend na nga ni God life nya when he triumped over his first bout with cancer (a little less than 2 decades ago).

7. you shouldn’t thing like that about God.

8. maybe you prayed for the wrong things. 

please, spare me.