as i was the past days, at 10pm i was already in bed last night.  however, for some reason, i just can’t sleep. i was washed over by a wave of nostalgia…series of thoughts/memories about my dad one after the other.  and the most excruciating of them all is the feeling of sort of like being transported back to the hours before he died.  this is like a forever on-going nightmare for me even though i’m awake.  i remember the smells, the bits of detail of the events, the things i heard — it’s crazy!

it was my overnight ‘duty’ at the hospital then.  successions class, polilawrev class, civrev class, home to eat, bathe, and change, then hospital. i entered the reoom with my dad having minor surgery below his shoulder —  to directly connect his IV to him.  i even watched the procedure by his fave doc, dr. salazar.  after, we talked about the day.  then he complined of difficulty in breathing (by then the cancer was affecting his lungs).  i said, maybe he was ticked off by the surgery lang.  or restlessness.  after making sure the oxygen lines to his nose were secured, i told him, to try to get some rest/sleep. 

after two hours of shut eye, i was awaken by series of beeps of the machine attached to his finger.  my dad fell into a coma at 2am.  then everything was in a frenzy. doctors rushing to attach stuff to his throat, IV meds, more machines in the room.  i was totally lost!

i started calling my brother, tita madre, and relatives.

within the hour, we all surrounded his bed and began praying, whispering encouragements to my dad, and crying.

early morning, i went home to get a few things of my dad…but upon entering our appartment my tita madre called me to immediately return. my dad’s heart stopped beating.  the doctors did a cpr to revive him. thus, when i got back, his heartbeat was just very faint.

8am. damn, brown out. the room is soo hot and worse, we have to manually and rythmically pump air for my dad’s continued breathing. the hospital generators sustained the other machines.

by the afternoon, my brother, tita madre and i were appraised that only the medicines are keeping my dad alive.  after the last drip of those attached to him, we’d stop prolonging the pain na of my dad and truly let God decide.

the meds finished by late afternoon.

by 6pm, my dad’s heart stopped beating. 

then total darkness due to shift from generator to actual supply…electricity back on.

now, chaos.  and suspended breakdown.  so many administrative matter to handle, and no grieving time.

by 1230am the casket carrying my dad’s body was wheeled in the mount carmel chapel.

and even with puffy eyes from crying and remembering, i still can’t sleep.