when i was in junior kindergarten, i learned this simple prayer:

THANK YOU, GOD, FOR MY EYES AND FEET;

FOR PLANTS AND TREES; AND FOOD I EAT.

THANK YOU, GOD, FOR THE NIGHT AND DAY;

FOR THINGS I CAN DO; AND GAMES I PLAY.

so simple and so true, then and now (actually a lot more can be added as there have been so many blessings the past two decades since learning the said prayer — the bottom line is despite the odds: I STILL THANK YOU, GOD, FOR EVERYTHING!)

sigh.  whenever i get some ‘ailment,’  it seems like people attribute it to my ‘weird luck’ or do not take me seriously about it.  believe you me, i am not making up my ‘ailment’ nor wish for them at all.  heck, they can be freakin’ly painful so why should i, eh?

right now, the wrist has totally gone bad.  putting on my jacket is such a teeeeedious and painful act; also shampooing my hair, dressing up, holding a book, catch-jerk reaction, driving, and practically most activities that need wrist twist.

also, there seems to be a muscle spasm below my shoulder blade that it is quite painful when i inflate my lung as i breathe — parang may pulling sensation that’s sooo painful. maybe manifestation of stress lang and hopefully pass soon.

*** ticot and anne, hindi ako writer.  i’m the black sheep sa family when it comes to writing (during my younger years, i turn off the monitor when my dad would pass behind me ‘coz from his vantage, ang dami na niyang kino-correct sa mga papers ko!).

*** mel told me that eating lots of gulay gives you gas! oh my gulay!

*** kung july pa lang, nag-pa-doctor na ako due to my wrist. it’s freakin’ painful na talaga. yeah, i don’t force or move it much, but i can’t help it when i get a natural jerk reaction to make salo something that is falling — and with the small desks at the audi, ang daming beses nahuhulog mga gamit ko!

*** O.C. confession: last year, i just can’t take the squekings sa APS kaya, i surreptitiously DW 40-ed (oil spray) the usual chairs we sat on sa audi, the chapel doors, and the girls’ cr sa ground floor. no more squeking!

*** sobrang touch naman to get sms messages of good luck from people i am not even close with. wow.

*** i condemn the bombing of doña ramona ferry!

*** i think i will light a candle for hurricane katrina’s victims.

my heart shouts: thank you, papa, for everything then…and up to now!

i totally miss my dad in these times of challenges in my life.  his actual telling me, "just do your best," is such a comfort knowing he’s behind my back no matter what.

it’s been two years already since he died; yet, the pain of losing papa remains.

i believe i’ve be-numb myself enough to get by, but deep inside, there is still the unbelievable pain.  yes, outwardly, i think i still project my old self. the ria who is always smiling, laughing, ditzy, weird luck (kris imposes i have no ‘monopoly’ over "bad luck," thus i say "weird luck"), on-the-go (the week we buried papa, i had an test in successions!  then mid-terms, then the delayed thesis, then the finals, then the graduation, then the bar 2004, job hunt alongside house hunt, house transfer (!), and now the bar 2005). but inwardly, i feel hallow, bitter, and mad. i cry and cry alone.  i want to talk it out and unburden my chest/soul, but most just give crap explanation, hurried ‘comfort’ or even immediate reprimand.  thus, i believe it is better to go on without saying anything anymore (except to you lains.  darn it we’re so many miles apart that we can’t cry together immediately or cheaply do so even by phone!). 

if only there is more compassion and empathy (not sympathy!) in this world…’coz i don’t want to hear or experience these anymore:

1. "he’s at peace now in heaven. atleast he is no longer suffering."

2. hug/pat sa shoulder…but look at the time. (law students value time so much due to recitations, the bar…)

3. ok ka lang? ok lang yan!

4. inuman/gimmick na lang tayo, gusto mo?

5. uy, dapat tapos na pag-grieve mo.  you’re not suppose to allow yourself until this time!

6. maybe it’s really the time of your dad kasi pina-extend na nga ni God life nya when he triumped over his first bout with cancer (a little less than 2 decades ago).

7. you shouldn’t thing like that about God.

8. maybe you prayed for the wrong things. 

please, spare me.   

as i was the past days, at 10pm i was already in bed last night.  however, for some reason, i just can’t sleep. i was washed over by a wave of nostalgia…series of thoughts/memories about my dad one after the other.  and the most excruciating of them all is the feeling of sort of like being transported back to the hours before he died.  this is like a forever on-going nightmare for me even though i’m awake.  i remember the smells, the bits of detail of the events, the things i heard — it’s crazy!

it was my overnight ‘duty’ at the hospital then.  successions class, polilawrev class, civrev class, home to eat, bathe, and change, then hospital. i entered the reoom with my dad having minor surgery below his shoulder —  to directly connect his IV to him.  i even watched the procedure by his fave doc, dr. salazar.  after, we talked about the day.  then he complined of difficulty in breathing (by then the cancer was affecting his lungs).  i said, maybe he was ticked off by the surgery lang.  or restlessness.  after making sure the oxygen lines to his nose were secured, i told him, to try to get some rest/sleep. 

after two hours of shut eye, i was awaken by series of beeps of the machine attached to his finger.  my dad fell into a coma at 2am.  then everything was in a frenzy. doctors rushing to attach stuff to his throat, IV meds, more machines in the room.  i was totally lost!

i started calling my brother, tita madre, and relatives.

within the hour, we all surrounded his bed and began praying, whispering encouragements to my dad, and crying.

early morning, i went home to get a few things of my dad…but upon entering our appartment my tita madre called me to immediately return. my dad’s heart stopped beating.  the doctors did a cpr to revive him. thus, when i got back, his heartbeat was just very faint.

8am. damn, brown out. the room is soo hot and worse, we have to manually and rythmically pump air for my dad’s continued breathing. the hospital generators sustained the other machines.

by the afternoon, my brother, tita madre and i were appraised that only the medicines are keeping my dad alive.  after the last drip of those attached to him, we’d stop prolonging the pain na of my dad and truly let God decide.

the meds finished by late afternoon.

by 6pm, my dad’s heart stopped beating. 

then total darkness due to shift from generator to actual supply…electricity back on.

now, chaos.  and suspended breakdown.  so many administrative matter to handle, and no grieving time.

by 1230am the casket carrying my dad’s body was wheeled in the mount carmel chapel.

and even with puffy eyes from crying and remembering, i still can’t sleep.

2 years ago by mr. neil cruz of the PDI:

http://www.inq7.net/opi/2003/sep/03/opi_nhcruz-1.htm

and our remembrance…

             TEODORO C. BERBANO

      30 January 1943 - 29 August 2003

      (a prayer for his soul on his second death anniversary)

tita madre requested for some of her maintenance medicines for her hypertension to be sent to botswana (she isn’t used to the ones sent my my aunt from colorado thus, want those from here that she has been using since).

i went to the post office, walang express parcel service daw to botswana!  via ordinary parcel to botswana lang daw and prescription needed.  way cheap but, naku, knowing our philpost system in terms of packages, baka expired na kung dumating mga meds duon.  my letter to my tita madre via express mail nga took more than a month eh.

and so i inquired/called several couriers — FEDEX Phils, LBC, JRS do not service botswana.  DHL and Aboitiz do, but dapat hindi P.O. Box addy (weird, my aunt from colorado was able to send stuff to tita madre via the P.O. Box addy through DHL naman). and dapat daw, accompanied by prescription.

i asked my tita madre for a new addy and some med friends for prescription — duh if i wait for the real one my tita has to be sent from botswana to here (thanks, mel and bets).  all set. 

i called aboitiz to go (cheaper rates) to verify if ok na the addy given to me.  they said, ok na (basta talaga hindi P.O. Box).  i called again to ask if their branch at the new people support building accepts international parcels.  they gave me the branch’s number.  the branch said, yes, they accept international parcels, but they need a zipcode.

i asked my tita madre what their zipcode is.  she said, ni-ibang areas walang street (wilderness talaga!) eh.  i inquired sa website ng botswana and they replied within a day saying they do not have zipcodes (what efficient service!!!).  i printed this reply and went to Aboitiz to send my package and explain the non-usage of zipcodes by botswana.

hoookay, the service personnel said kailangan talaga ng zipcode (MASKI NA WALA TALAGA SA TOTOONG BUHAY!) kasi their system list shows there are several botswana.  SEVERAL BOTSWANA?! I KNOW I’M BAD IN GEOGRAPHY BUT, I’M SURE THERE IS ONLY ONE BOTSWANA. i said, the one in Africa — the Continent.  she says, the botswana sa list doesn’t say na sa africa yun.  HELLO?!!! HELLO?!!! And so, i asked, ilan ba ang botswana sa list nyo at saan-saan yun located?

i ended up not sending my parcel vial Aboitiz To Go. gosh, i left fuming…wala nang patutunguhan ako dun.

i transfered to DHL.  no questions regarding my lack of zipcode, but needed nga rin yung prescription.  ayun, on the way na the parcel. i am just thinking, the higher fee is payment for my peace of mind and sanity!

despite the posing with disney universal studios characters…the truth is, i am ’scared’ to come close with these mascots and clowns.

i dunno, maybe the ‘fake-ness’ ticks me off.  when i was younger, i swear, i don’t wanna come near those big-unreal-people.  until now, i actually walk far around them when i see them along my path.

yesterday, i saw jollibug.  run, ria, run!